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Incomming Message... from StarFleet
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| Why not join up and join in the fun |
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The Guardians are pretty fun, too! 
Thanks for the offer...hope StarFleet gets some more recruits soon!
          
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You know, if just one of them would post here, I could write something about how they escaped, or how I allowed them to escape. Come on folks! Help move the plot forawrd!
 
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| Come on folks! Help move the plot forawrd! |
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Would it help if I sang a song?
  
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Go ahead! It would certaintly be very funny, knowing you Matthew. 
    
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Downie walks onto the command deck, scratching his head. He has appeared here thanks to a revision in the space-time continuum, caused by a side-effect to a spell. He is not entirely sure what is going on. Contrary to expectation, he has not been translated into a Vulcan. Instead, he is a Romulan. Raised by Ferrengi. Then assimilated by the Borg. Then rescued by Starfleet. Then killed, and replaced by an exact holographic replica. Then sent back in time to the days of Admiral Quirk.
In the background, consoles explode violently, knocking people to the floor. He says to himself, “It looks like Quirk needs more support. If nobody else can help, then it’s up to me. And since I don’t want to do it, I’d better find somebody else. It’s time for a recruiting song!”
Let me sing you a song about the Prime Directive
Obeying it’s fun and we’re hardly selective
If you want fun in space
Then whatever your race
Leave the academy and join StarFleet.
(Directive Two: don’t strap yourself to your seat!)
The Prime Directive tells us what to do
To save us using our brains ever – phew!
So when contacting aliens
Or rogue Albanians
The answer is here and the answer is clear
Whatever happens – do not interfere!
Sure, we’ve ignored the directive prime
But only at one particular time
(And that was expressly
To save Ensign Wesley -
Had Picard not fancied that kid’s mother
I’m sure we would have done something other.)
So when dealing with war or radiation
Or metagenic contamination
Don’t be a defective
Follow the Directive!
For calamities big and for problems small
The answer is simple – do nothing at all!
(At this point, a nearby console explodes, overloading his portable holographic projection matrix, and killing him instantly.)
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| he has not been translated into a Vulcan. Instead, he is a Romulan. Raised by Ferrengi. Then assimilated by the Borg. Then rescued by Starfleet. Then killed, and replaced by an exact holographic replica. Then sent back in time to the days of Admiral Quirk. |
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You know, that does seem plausable. 
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#433
by Citizen mk31bolo - 5/19/2004 6:28:16 PM
Commander Kurita scowled as weapon fire reverberated through his ship, the IKS Won Ton Destruction. The pounding of weapons on his ship's hull ahd been going on so long that the crew no longer even noticed it much. The current situation was clearly hopeless. It had all started just a few short hours ago...
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News of J.T.Qwerk's duel with Genghis Hank reached the Klingon Empire by way of spies. Every Klingon commander who could come up with even the thinnest of excuses had arrived at the Federation-Klingon border. Qwerk had always bested any Klingon he had faced. His potential fate was of extreme interest. Almost thirty ships were present. They were observing only, since Klingons considered it bad form to interfere in a duel. Bets were being placed and odds constantly updated. Then it happened.
"The one who bests Qwerk will have gained much honor and glory," stated Commander Kleenex, captain of the IKS Blowhard.
"Do you have a point, other than to state the obvious?" responded Commander Kroger.
Kleenex continued, "And besting the one who bests Qwerk will gain as much, if not more honor and glory."
"Make yourself clear, or clear the channel. I want to see the current odds." Kroger was getting a bit angry.
"It just occurred to me that whoever wins their duel will be badly damaged. It could be an opportune moment." Kleenex had an evil gleem in his eye. "I hereby demand the right to destroy the survivor!"
There was much shouting and yelling over the com channels. Kleenex was of a minor house and many felt he had overstepped himself. Each commander thought that he himself had the most right to fight the victor of the Qwerk/Hank duel. Shouts lead to insults. Insults led to threats. Threats led to weapon fire and a general melee had started.
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"This gains us nothing," Kurita stated to no one in particular. The damage to his ship wasn't as bad as some of the others, but it could have been better. His first officer was the first casualty. His responsibilities had been taken over by the ship's second offocer, Kellogg. So far he had been performing adequately.
The real problem was this pointless fight! Though sensor damage and jamming limited sensor data to the immediate area, a glance at the chronometer mounted on the bulkhead was all he needed to know that Qwerk's and Hank's duel must be long over. The survivor long gone. But a Klingon would rather die than stop fighting and seem weak, thus for the last 7 hours the battle raged. There less than twenty ships left, but they were just hitting their stride, it seemed.
For the fifth time Kurita considered what he thought of as the Final Option. Unknown to all but his bridge crew, the Won Ton Destruction had been equipped with an experimental weapon developed by House Kurita in secret. The technicians had dubbed them Sub-Quantum Detonators (SQD's). They had warned Kurita that the damage yield was unknown. It could cause massive damage, none at all, or anywhere in between. Thus it was far to risky for even a Klingon to use, for no Klingon would chance humiliation and dishonor by firing a weapon that suffered from TLD (Too Little Damage). Kurita had immediately seen a solution that would greatly reduce the risk. Of course the techs hadn't seen it, they weren't warriors.
"Just put in a failsafe device that will triple whatever the yield is," he had told them.
And so he had his experimental weapon, but only two prototypes. Unfortunately, a duel between two of the research facility's security guards had gotten out of hand, resulting in the facility's destruction. Kurita had been reluctantly forced to permanately ban orbital bombardments from all personal duels after that incident.
Should he use the SQD's? Many great houses were present. Triple yield would guarantee at least respectable damage if the weapons proved weak, but what if they didn't work at all? Three times zero was still zero. As he looked at the battle on the forward viewscreen, with ships maneuvering amidst disrupter fire and flying torpedoes, it hit him. Who would even notice in all that?
Descision made, he ordered, "Koran, take us to the edge of the battle."
Kellogg stared at his commander, clearly shocked. "Surely we are not running from battle?"
Kurita's backhand sent Kellogg flying across the bridge. "Question my courage again, and I'll kill you where you stand," He growled.
He spun to face his tactical officer. "Kludge, arm the Sub-Quantun Detonators. Target the center of the battle."
Looks of shock changed to feral grins as the bridge crew realized what their commander had in mind.
Kludge could barely contain himself. If Kurita's plan worked, they would have singlehandedly beaten many other great houses. He could already see the honor and glory that would be heaped on them. And HE, Kludge, would be the one to actually fire the winning shot. Surely the babes will be all over me, he thought. Thus distracted, he didn't realize he had missed one small but crucial step in armiing the SQD's
"SQD's armed and ready!" Kludge declared.
"We are in position, Commander," Koran stated.
"FIRE!" Kurita yelled.
Two bright glowing spheres erupted fron the Won Ton Destruction, travelling rapidly toward the center of the battle.
All eyes on the bridge were glued to the tactical display as the two blinking dots approached their target point. The tension rose higher and higher, peaking as the SQD's reached the detonation point...and kept going, right out of the battle. The crew were frozen in shock.
Instantly, the view screen split into the multi-channel display that had been used for communication before the battle broke out. All the remaining commanders were hailing the Won Ton Destruction.
"Perhaps you should try aiming! Bwahahahah!"
"If my gunner was that bad, I'd kill him. Then kill myself!"
"You have no need to salute me, I already know I am superior to you!"
The taunts went on and on. Kurita could stand no more. Drawing his disruptor, he blasted the viewscreen to tiny shards. He spun to face Kludge.
"What happened?" he bellowed.
Wide eyed, Kludge struggled valiantly to make his mouth function. "The SQD's must have been defective! Yes, that must be it!"
Kellogg pushed Kludge aside and read the tactical board. "Fool! You didn't set the detonation timers!"
"WHAT????" Kurita was beyond furious, now. He aimed his disruptor and shot Kludge, disintegrating him.
"Animal!" he spat. "Koran! Hard about! Take us back in! Kilroy! Take over tactical! Target nearest ship and FIRE!"
The battle actually ended after only a couple of hours more. Kurita, insane with rage, had become incoherent and the Won Ton Destruction has been quickly dispatched. The remaining Klingon ships had continued the battle until, finally, thay had exhausted themselves. Only thirteen ships remained.
"I am the victor!" Kleenex declared.
"What do you mean, fool?" Kroger demanded.
Kleenex grinned. "My ship is undamaged."
It was true. The house of Kleenex being such a minor house, none had considered it a worthy target.
"Your ships are all shot up! Clearly I am the greatest warrior here!" Kleenex continued.
Twelve torpedoes impacted the IKS Blowhard simutaneously, vaporizing it and all aboard, instantly.
There was much discussion over who had actually won. Rising tensions were averted when Kroger declared that since all had fought bravely, all had emerged victorious. It was also decided that if anyone asked, the whole incident would be blamed on Romulan treachery. Thus they returned home to lick their wounds.
But what of the SQD's? No one alive remained who knew of their existance. This was unfortunate since, as history has proven time and time again, it's the details that trip you up. Without their detonation timers set, they would NEVER explode until they collided with something. Space is large and very, very empty. Their course was such that they would have traversed across the entire Klingon Empire and exited the other side. Would have... but for a single obstacle directly in their path.
So it was that a few years later, on a day much like today, the SQD's collided with (and exploded rather violently on) a Klingon moon named Praxis...
(With apologies to all for such a long post)
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Sweet! Good story mk31bolo 
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#436
by Citizen mk31bolo - 5/19/2004 8:42:57 PM
Thank you.  It was going be a paragraph or so, but it just kept growing and growing...
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| Kurita had been reluctantly forced to permanately ban orbital bombardments from all personal duels after that incident. |
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Now THAT is funny!
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"My Lord Genghis, something on the sensors."
"What is it, Joachim?"
"Two bright glowing spheres. Some type of weapon, unknown configuration. They are passing to starboard."
"Track the trajectory back to the source and plot intercept course. We wouldn't want to ignore our host, now would we?"
"Qwerk, what have you come up with now?"
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#439
by Citizen mk31bolo - 5/20/2004 7:20:01 PM
Well, THAT was unexpected!!!
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#440
by Citizen mk31bolo - 5/20/2004 7:21:35 PM
I just thought of something, Qwerk. If Genghis has your crew, he's probably put those sand worms in their ears. Even if you got them back, could you REALLY trust them????? 
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The first season is horrible compared to the new ones. They are actually worthwhile to watch now.
Sorry you can't see them. 
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#446
by Citizen mk31bolo - 5/22/2004 3:52:16 PM
I think it's a world-wide conspiracy to attempt to convert everybody into sports fans. Nothing, but NOTHING interrupts sports! 
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| Nothing, but NOTHING interrupts sports |
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Exept of comercials
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| I just thought of something, Qwerk. If Genghis has your crew, he's probably put those sand worms in their ears. Even if you got them back, could you REALLY trust them????? |
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Qwerk, I wanted to let you know. I have released your crew. I found some Klingons that were very eager to take posession of them and promised to find you if they could. They nearly fought each other for the honor.
Oh, they may have picked up a small bug during their time with me. Nothing a well aimed phaser won't cure.
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